에블린 후편 작성 과제

길지 못한 시간이 흐른 뒤, 그녀의 눈에 다시 초점이 맞을 때쯤, 선착장은 어느새 빈 채였다. 바람이 아버지의 따귀처럼 날아와 에블린의 얼굴을 치고 지나갔다. 선뜻 떨어지지 않던 손에 힘이 느슨해지며 난간을 놓은 그녀는 문득 프랭크는 물론이고 아버지도 지금 그녀의 행방을 알지 못한다는 것을 깨달았다. 마음이 차분히 가라앉았다가 다시 떠오르기 시작했다. 갓 태어난 당나귀처럼 떨리는 다리로 에블린은 정처 없이 걸었다.

 

프랭크는 돌아오지 않을 것이다. 떡벌어진 어깨와 바다 짠내의 마법으로부터 깨어나자 에블린은 자신의 손에 가방 하나 들려있지 않음에 이제야 작게 탄식했다. 지겨운 더블린의 공기를 들이마시며 눈을 감아 부에노스 아이레스를 그려보았으나 이미 에블린의 마음속에서 그곳은 매 호흡이 설탕처럼 달콤할 것으로 굳어져 있었다.

 

“힐 양!”

 

에블린은 번뜩 눈을 뜨고 총성이라도 들은 사슴처럼 팔짝 뒤돌아 뛰었다. 낡아서 다 구부러진 구두가 땅을 걷어찼다.

 

“힐 양! 아버지가….”

 

벌써 멀어져가는 목소리가 등 뒤에서 쫓아와 번개처럼 내렸다. 결국 프랭크와 몰래 배를 타려고 했던 게 들켰던 말이었을까? 다시금 가슴이 쿵쿵거리며 뛰기 시작했다. 에블린은 고작 손에 쥐고 있던 얼마 되지도 않는 돈을 가지고 시장으로 내달렸다. 집으로 돌아가려면 감자라도 사들고 달려야 할 터였다. 그러나 이미 해가 뉘엿한 지금 시장에는 생선 몇 마리를 내놓은 가판대뿐이었다. 에블린은 급하게 훈제한 대구를 사 종이와 노끈으로 묶어 한 손에 들고 달랑거리며 집을 향해 뛰었다.

 

집! 다시는 보지 못하리라 상상했던 먼지 묻은 가구들이 에블린을 향해 팔을 벌리고 어머니처럼 그녀를 불러대고 있는 것만 같았다. 저버리려고 했던 어머니와의 약속이 순간 너무나도 고귀한 것으로 비상해 안전하고 따듯한 빛이 창문에서 흘러나오기를 기대하고 있었다. 아버지의 매질과 욕지거리에 산뜻한 마음으로 참회라도 하고 깨끗한 눈물을 흘려 이부자리에 눕고 싶었다. 다시는 헛된 꿈과 세치 혀에 휘둘리지 않으리라, 무엇도 나를 이 삶으로부터, 익숙함으로부터 떼어놓을 수 없으리라.

 

그러나 에블린이 꾸러미를 들고 집으로 돌아간 때에는 웬일인지 그 앞에 사람들이 여럿 모여 웅성거리고 있었다. 숨을 고를 새도 없이 바닥에 누운 사람을 향해 다가간 에블린은 무릎을 꿇을 수밖에 없었다. 아버지의 창백한 얼굴은 고통에 일그러진 채 굳어있었고 가슴이 오르내리지 않았다. 가슴팍의 옷을 부여잡았던 것처럼 주름진 멱살이나 식은땀을 보고 행인이 심장 경련에 대해 중얼이고 있었다. 에블린은 아버지의 손바닥을 볼 때마다 개구리처럼 날뛰던 자신의 심장을 떠올리고 마치 이것이 자신의 잘못인 것처럼 정수리가 차가워지는 기분을 느꼈다. 어쩌면 집에 돌아오지 않는 에블린을 혼내려 기다리다 불어온 찬바람에 뜬금없이 놀랐을지도 모르는 일이었다. 혹은 마침 에블린을 그리워해 언제쯤 돌아오려나 목을 빼고 있다가 피가 다 식어버렸는지도 모른다. 그렇지 않고서야 현관까지 나왔을 일이 없었다. 편지에 쓴 말들이 머리에 떠올랐으나 이제 돌이켜보니 유치하고 이기적인 말들뿐이었다. 사랑한다면 어째서 떠나려 했으며 원망한다면 편지는 왜 썼을까!

 

흙바닥에 뒹구는 대구를 주인 없는 개가 입질하다 들고 달아나버렸다.

 

ChatGPT의 번역본

After a short time, when her eyes refocused, the pier was already empty. The wind struck Eveline's face like a slap from her father. Her grip on the railing, which had been so reluctant to let go, loosened, and she suddenly realized that neither Frank nor her father knew her whereabouts. Her mind, momentarily calm, began to stir again. With trembling legs, like a newborn donkey, Eveline wandered aimlessly.

 

Frank wasn’t coming back. As she broke free from the magic of his broad shoulders and the briny smell of the sea, Eveline let out a small sigh, noticing she held no bag in her hands. Inhaling the stifling air of Dublin, she closed her eyes and tried to imagine Buenos Aires, but in her heart, it had already solidified into a place where every breath would be as sweet as sugar.

 

“Miss Hill!”

Eveline’s eyes flew open, and like a startled deer hearing a gunshot, she spun around and bolted. Her worn, bent shoes kicked against the ground.

“Miss Hill! Your father...”

The voice, already distant, chased her like lightning and struck from behind. Had her plan to secretly board the boat with Frank been discovered? Her heart started pounding again. Clutching the little money she had, Eveline ran toward the market. If she were to return home, she at least needed to bring some potatoes with her. But with the sun already sinking low, the market only had a few stalls displaying fish. Eveline hastily bought some smoked haddock, had it wrapped in paper and tied with string, and carried it in one hand as she dashed home.

 

Home! The dusty furniture she had imagined she’d never see again seemed to stretch out their arms to her, calling her back like her mother. The promise she had once intended to abandon now felt so noble, she found herself hoping for a safe, warm light to spill out of the windows. She longed to repent with a light heart, endure her father’s beatings and harsh words, and weep clean tears before lying down to sleep. Never again would she be swayed by futile dreams or sweet words. Nothing would take her away from this life, from this familiarity.

 

But when Eveline returned home with her bundle, a small crowd had gathered in front of the house, murmuring among themselves. Without catching her breath, she approached the person lying on the ground and knelt. Her father’s pale face was contorted with pain, frozen, and his chest was no longer rising and falling. A bystander, noting the sweat and the wrinkles at his collar, muttered something about heart failure. Every time Eveline saw the palm of her father’s hand, she remembered her heart leaping like a frog, and she felt as if this was somehow her fault, her scalp tingling coldly. Perhaps he had been waiting to scold her for not coming home, only to be startled by the sudden chill in the wind. Or maybe he had been yearning for her, stretching his neck to see if she might return, until his blood turned cold. Otherwise, he would never have come out to the front yard.

 

The words she had written in her letter came to mind, but now, looking back, they seemed childish and selfish. If she loved him, why had she tried to leave? If she resented him, why had she written the letter?

 

The haddock lay abandoned on the dirt ground, where a stray dog nibbled at it before running off with it.

 

Aria의 번역본

After a short time had passed, when her eyes refocused, the pier was already empty. The wind, like her father's slap, whipped past Eveline's face. The strength in her hand, which had been reluctant to let go, loosened, and she released the railing. Suddenly, she realized that neither Frank nor her father knew where she was. Her heart sank and then began to rise again. With legs trembling like a newborn donkey, Eveline walked aimlessly.

 

Frank wouldn't come back. Waking up from the magic of his broad shoulders and the smell of the sea, Eveline finally sighed at the sight of only one bag in her hand. Inhaling the stuffy air of Dublin, she closed her eyes and pictured Buenos Aires, but it had already solidified in her mind as a place where every breath would be as sweet as sugar.

 

"Miss Hill!"

 

Eveline's eyes snapped open, and she jumped back like a startled deer, as if she had heard a gunshot. Her old, bent shoes kicked at the ground.

 

"Miss Hill! Your father..."

 

A voice, already fading, chased after her from behind, striking like lightning. Had she been caught trying to sneak away on a boat with Frank? Her heart began to pound again. Eveline dashed towards the market, clutching the little money she had. She had to buy potatoes to take home. But the sun was already setting, and only a few stalls selling fish remained. Eveline quickly bought a smoked haddock, tied it with paper and string, and ran towards home, the bundle dangling in her hand.

 

Home! The dusty furniture she had imagined never seeing again seemed to be reaching out to her, calling her like a mother. The promise she had made to her mother, which she had tried to abandon, suddenly seemed so precious, and she hoped for a warm, safe light to shine from the window. She wanted to confess her sins with a light heart, to shed clean tears, and lie down in her bed, enduring her father's beatings and insults. She vowed never again to be swayed by empty dreams and smooth tongues, that nothing would ever separate her from this life, from this familiarity.

 

But when Eveline returned home with her bundle, she found a crowd gathered in front of her house. Before she could catch her breath, she approached the person lying on the ground and had no choice but to kneel. Her father's pale face was contorted in pain, frozen, and his chest wasn't moving. The way he had clutched at his chest, the wrinkled collar, the cold sweat, made the bystanders murmur about a heart attack. Every time Eveline looked at her father's palm, she thought of her own heart, which had been leaping like a frog, and she felt a chill run down her spine as if it were her fault. Perhaps he had been waiting to scold her for not coming home, and the cold wind had startled him. Or maybe he had been longing for her, wondering when she would return, and his blood had turned cold. Otherwise, he wouldn't have come out to the front door. The words she had written in her letter came to mind, but now, looking back, they seemed childish and selfish. If she loved him, why did she try to leave? And if she resented him, why did she write the letter?

 

A stray dog, seeing the haddock lying on the dirt floor, snatched it up and ran away.

 

두 번역본을 모두 참고한 revision

After a short time, when her eyes refocused, the pier was already empty. The wind struck Eveline's face like a slap from her father. Her grip on the railing, which had been so reluctant to let go, loosened, and she suddenly realized that neither Frank nor her father knew her whereabouts. Her mind, momentarily calm, began to soar again. With trembling legs like a newborn donkey, Eveline wandered aimlessly.

 

Frank wasn’t coming back. As she broke free from the magic of his broad shoulders and the briny smell of the sea, Eveline let out a small sigh, noticing she held no bag in her hands. Inhaling the abominable air of Dublin, she closed her eyes and tried to imagine Buenos Aires, but in her heart, it had already solidified into a place where every breath would be as sweet as sugar.

 

“Miss Hill!”

Eveline’s eyes flew open, and like a deer startled upon hearing a gunshot, she spun around and bolted. Her worn, bent shoes kicked against the ground.

“Miss Hill! Your father...”

The voice, already distant, chased her like lightning struck from behind. Had her plan to secretly board the boat with Frank been discovered? Her heart started pounding again. Clutching the little money she had, Eveline ran toward the market. If she were to return home, she at least needed to bring something, whether that be potatoes or not, with her. But with the sun already sinking low, the market only had a few stalls displaying fish. Eveline hastily bought some smoked haddock, had it wrapped in paper and tied with string, and carried it in one hand as she dashed home.

 

Home! The dusty furniture she had imagined she’d never see again seemed to stretch out their arms to her, beckoning her back like her mother. The promise she had once intended to abandon now felt so noble, she found herself hoping for a safe, warm light to spill out of the windows. She longed to repent, endure her father’s beatings and harsh words, and weep clean tears before lying down to sleep with a lightened heart. Never again would she be swayed by futile dreams or sweet words. Nothing would take her away from this life, from this familiarity.

 

But when Eveline returned home with the bundle dangling from her fist, a small crowd had gathered in front of the house, murmuring among themselves. Without being able to catch her breath, she approached the person lying on the ground and could not help but fall to her knees. Her father’s pale face was contorted with pain, frozen, and his chest was no longer rising and falling. A bystander, noting the cold sweat and the wrinkles on his collar, muttered something about heart failure. Every time Eveline saw the palm of her father’s hand, she remembered her heart leaping like a frog, and she felt as if this was somehow her fault, and felt a chill run down her spine. Perhaps he had been waiting to scold her for not coming home, only to be startled by the sudden chill in the wind. Or maybe he had been longing for her, with his neck stretched out to see if she might return, until his blood turned cold. Otherwise, he would not have come out to the front yard.

 

The words she had written in her letter came to mind, but now, looking back, they seemed childish and selfish. If she loved him, why had she tried to leave? If she resented him, why had she written the letter?

 

A stray dog, seeing the haddock lying on the dirt floor, snatched it up and ran away.

 

밑줄을 그은 부분은 스스로 고친 부분, 이탤릭으로 처리한 부분은 ai의 번역에서 특별히 마음에 든 부분입니다. 총체적으로 챗지피티가 아리아보다 완성도 높은 번역본을 내놓았습니다.

 

Soar: 솟아오르는 어감을 지키고 싶어 바꾸었습니다.

Broke free: 한글로 작성하면서도 정확히 이 표현을 염두에 두고 썼던지라 좋았습니다.

Abominable: 지긋지긋한, 혹은 그를 넘어 지탄할 만한 정도로 미운 마음을 표현하기에는 더 강한 단어가 필요하다고 생각했습니다.

Deer startled upon hearing a gunshot: 이런 어순으로 리어레인지하는 편이 더 매끄럽게 읽힐 것이라고 판단했습니다.

Lightning struck from behind: 동일하게, 어순에 따른 어감의 문제입니다.

Bring something, whether that be potatoes or not: 감자라도, 라는 것은 아일랜드에서 가장 흔한 식재료를 언급한 것으로, 정말 뭐라도 가져가야 한다는 마음을 강조하기 위해 넣은 부분입니다. ai의 번역본에서는 특정해서 감자를 사야 한다고 변질돼 맥락이 달라졌습니다.

Beckoning: 가구를 의인화한 것은 맞지만 소리로 부른다기보다는 손짓하는 것이 영어로는 더 자연스럽고 통일된 느낌을 줄 것 같아 바꿨습니다. 또한 돌아오라고 부르는 것에는 beckon이라는 단어의 어감이 적절하다고 느꼈습니다.

~with a lightened heart: 한글로는 어순이 조금 망가져도 이해할 수 있으며 에블린의 혼란스럽고 급한 마음이 더 드러날 것이라고 생각하지만 영어로는 확실한 순서를 지켜주는 것이 깔끔합니다. 참회라도 하고 가벼운 마음으로 잠에 들고 싶다는 맥락을 강조하기 위해 어순을 바꾸었습니다.

Nothing would take her away from this life, from this familiarity: 두 ai 모두 이 부분을 동일하게 번역했는데, 제가 한글로 작성할 때 생각했던 번역과 동일해 마음에 들었습니다.

The bundle dangling from her fist: 주먹을 쥐었다는 부분을 추가해 에블린의 마음을 더 강하게 표현해봤습니다. 또한 dangling이라는 단어를 꼭 사용하고 싶었는데, 달랑인다는 단어의 어감이 에블린이 급하게 사온 대구의 초라하고 가벼운 이미지를 강조해준다고 생각합니다.

Without being able to catch her breath: 숨도 고르지 못한 채 다급하게 다가간 것을 강조했습니다.

Could not help but fall to her knees: 충격에 버티지 못하고 무릎을 꿇은 모습을 강조했습니다.

Cold sweat and the wrinkles on his collar: 식은땀과 땀은 다른 느낌을 준다고 생각합니다. 그러나 한글로 멱살이라고 하면 가슴께를 의미하는데, 영어로 collar이라고 하니 목 부근까지를 가리키는 것 같아 애매하다 생각했으나 정황상 문제는 없으리라고 판단했습니다.

Felt a chill run down her spine: 이 쪽이 더 보편적으로 쓰이는 표현입니다. 한글로도 뒷골/뒷목이 싸하다는 말을 더 자주 쓰지만 저는 정수리로 표현해 얼굴에 핏기가 빠지는 모습까지 연상되도록 해보았습니다. 그러나 영어로는 자주 쓰이는 표현을 고수하는 쪽이 더 강한 이미지로 와닿을 것 같아 채택했습니다.

With his neck stretched out: 단순 어감 문제입니다.

A stray dog, seeing the haddock lying on the dirt floor, snatched it up and ran away: 챗지피티의 번역본에서는 이 부분이 The haddock lay abandoned on the dirt ground, where a stray dog nibbled at it before running off with it. 으로 번역되었습니다. 어감상 이 다음에 이야기가 계속 이어질 것처럼 끝맺어지지 않는 리듬이 있습니다. 아리아의 번역본이 조금 더 결말부에 걸맞는다고 생각해 채택했습니다. 별개로, 원문의 열린 결말이 마음에 들었기 때문에 저도 열린 결말에 가까운 추상적인 방식으로 글을 끝맺었습니다.

 

소감

Ai 번역이 상당히 발전했다는 생각을 했습니다. 아리아의 경우 제가 사용하는 브라우저에 내포되어있는 ai 도우미로, 간단한 검색이나 보조도구로 자주 쓰이는 반면 챗지피티는 창작에도 널리 쓰이는 인공지능 챗봇입니다. 그러다 보니 확실히 챗지피티가 더 완성도 높은 번역본을 제공해줬습니다.

이야기에 대해서는 , 대뜸 아버지를 죽이는 것이 너무 뜬금없고 게으른 처리가 아닌가 생각하기도 했지만 이만큼이나 열린 채 끝난 이야기이자 결정하지 못하고 우왕좌왕하는 우유부단함이 주제인 이야기의 후편을 작성하기에는 다른 뾰족한 수가 떠오르지 않았습니다. 스스로의 삶에 대한 결정에 헤매더라도 일어날 일은 일어난다는 점과 후회라는 감정에 집중해 작성해보았습니다.

또한 2~3페이지 작성을 기준하신 점 알고 있으나 평소에도 글을 압축적으로 쓰는 편이라 더 길게 작성해보려 해봤자 불필요한 장식을 더하는 수밖에 없었습니다. 군더더기 가득한 글을 제출하고 싶지 않아 과감히 끊었습니다.